Avoiding the Black Sheep Sibling as Personal Representative, Trustee, Power of Attorney and Parental Caregiver by Michael D. Rudy, Esq.
It has always perplexed the Firm’s lawyers, why serious responsibility for an elderly parent’s welfare and estate is so often reposited in the weak link in the family. Parents are very protective of their ne'er do well child. That child frequently is unemployed and often lives at home with his or her elderly parents. Often these are the sons and daughters whom the other siblings (or the elderly parent) appoint with the most significant responsibilities. Do not forget elder abuse is a crime of opportunity and this is when parents may be at their most vulnerable to undue influence by an unscrupulous caregiver.
These caregivers are often unprepared to take on the taxing role of Trustee or Personal Representative and are least likely to understand their role as attorney-in-fact, Trustee or Personal Representative. Somehow, whether their name is on a bank account or credit card, or they have other access to their parents’ funds, they come to view their parents’ assets as their own. This is one of the most frequent fact patterns we see in elder financial abuse cases, and I refer to it as the “Black Sheep Syndrome.”
In this scenario, fellow siblings who have not faced the acute situation of caring for a 70-, 80-, or 90-year-old frail and infirm parent are desperate to address the situation of their parents’ care. In an attempt to create a win-win situation with a Black Sheep sibling they agree to let the Black Sheep sibling financially and personally care for their mother or father.
A Black Sheep sibling can best be described as someone in the age range between early fifties to mid-sixties who is typically single or divorced, with a history of unemployment or other poor job performance and possibly financial woes of their own. They may also have had a history of alcohol or drug abuse, which has rendered them unemployable and will render them unreliable. They have few financial assets of their own, and their current living situation would be best described as unstable (if not for the financial assistance of the parent).
The naive brothers and sisters of Black Sheep siblings attempt to create a win-win situation for both the parent and the Black Sheep, and they just assume that the Black Sheep will honestly or fairly carry out their parent’s final wishes. When the parent is in need of custodial care and wishes to age in place, typically in the family home, the fellow siblings believe that they can avoid this costly expense of private care in an assisted living environment. Collectively, they determine that they will be able to save and preserve their own inheritance and essentially give the Black Sheep sibling a stable home environment. Sometimes this means a modest salary, and the chance at a healthy nurturing relationship with their elderly parents. Unfortunately, honest and naive siblings do not contemplate the pitfalls of such a relationship.
This scenario often creates a disastrous situation. The Black Sheep sibling almost immediately provides no or less than desirable care, can be left totally unsupervised with a parent, and quickly gains access to a parent's bank accounts and other forms of savings and may even have the family home transferred to their own names. In doing so they commence to embezzle cash and property, although they will rationalize spending that money as necessary for parental care. However, if the situation goes on unnoticed for several years, and the elderly parents’ estate permits, the Black Sheep can end up spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on their parent’s estate, far more than a professional caregiver would cost.
It will seem self-evident in hindsight that the naive siblings made a poor decision. Potential clients frequently come to our office suffering the emotional pain of a parent’s death and then are stunned that the Black Sheep has never complied with their original compact. We rue appointments when a group of siblings come to our office and tell us a woeful, sad story of this kind that inevitably results in the lack of physical and financial care that ought to have taken place owing to their good intentions in supporting the Black Sheep sibling as caregiver.
If the Black Sheep sibling is living in the home of the elderly parent their lives inevitably become enmeshed and often it is difficult to unravel the dysfunctional relationship that arises between the Black Sheep and the aging parent. The Black Sheep sibling will have entrenched herself or himself in the family home, making it difficult to legally extract them. Moreover, owing to the difficulty of the caregiving role, the Black Sheep sibling will become resentful of the other siblings, some who may live far from the family home.
“Entrepreneurial” and manipulative Black Sheep siblings take mom or dad to an estate planning attorney and have health care powers of attorney and other powers of attorney executed in their favor, making it especially difficult to unwind the legal relationship. In these situations, parents feel duress that if they do not make the Black Sheep sibling the holder of these legal powers, they will stop caring for them. Often, particularly with very old parents or non compos mentis parents, parents will not be able to make the decision of their own free will. The Black Sheep, of course, feels that they are so overwhelmed and overworked they deserve this money, irrespective of what their parents’ wishes are.
Once the Black Sheep sibling seizes control, gaining access to bank records and other important documents that are in an aging parent’s name alone, it is often difficult and sometimes requires emergency court filings and hearings before a judge to unravel the mess created in this situation.
Even in situations where siblings believe they have a firm understanding of their expectations with the Black Sheep, things can go wrong quickly. Owing to the difficulty of this task, the Black Sheep family member quickly feels entitled and denial quickly seeps into the abusive situation.
It cannot be overstated that is never an opportune time to institute a social experiment with a Black Sheep sibling in the hopes that he or she may possibly be a good fit in their new role as a caregiver and trusted fiduciary. Quality caregiving is difficult and requires experience. A senior’s caretaker must have a history of dedication, honesty, and empathy in working with elderly individuals.
Just as a sibling would interview professional caregivers inquiring about their references and past employment, the same metric should be used in evaluating the Black Sheep sibling. It is simply too much to expect the Black Sheep sibling to "clean up their act," and in cases of drug addiction and alcoholism it is impossible. Responsibility for caretakers can be a strange, novel and stressful situation for anyone, let alone overseeing a sibling that lacks the skills to work with elderly individuals.
Entitlement of an individual is a very powerful tool that a perpetrator of elder fraud uses to justify virtually any action against an elderly individual. They simply do not view the situation as a win-win for everyone, but simply as an opportunity for their “put upon” selves to be rewarded. Remember, financial elder abuse is a crime of opportunity. If an unsuitable person has access to a parent’s funds, the temptation will be too great to pass up. Responsible siblings that end up being legally responsible for a parent's care must be realistic in any caregiving situation particularly in a Black Sheep situation.
If you want to attempt to provide a win-win situation for an elderly parent, it should only be done on a trial basis with strict monitoring. Simply assuming or hoping for the best is not the solution. We recommend in these types of situations to have paraprofessionals monitor the situation weekly, sometimes with surprise inspections and at least a monthly review of an elderly person's finances to ensure that they are not being victimized. The caretaker may likely resist financial and personal oversight, and that is a sign there may be elder abuse going on.
Also, it is critical that before this trial period starts a complete estate plan is executed by the aging parent. Alternatively, and at a minimum, a conservatorship should be instituted, or a parent that is already incapacitated and lacks the requisite ability to execute their own will or trust. Protecting the elderly from abuse requires vigilance.
It is not foolish to give someone a second chance in life, particularly a sibling, but it is not responsible if you do not monitor trust and verify what is occurring in the caregiving situation. Therefore, what at the outset appears to be a simple and economic solution to a serious problem, results in an outcome that can be not at all what the family expected. These situations can cause an irreparable rift in family relations and cost more of the beneficiaries’ share of their parents’ estate than merely hiring a professional caregiver. Finally, and most importantly, it will not result in the care one’s elderly parent deserves.
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